This is Real.. This is Me...

This is real, This is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I've found, who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

By: Demi Lovato

it's 4 AM...

It's 4 am... n i woke up bc of a bad dream. sigh...

almost a mth later... i get this txt on monday- "how are u?"

my heart dropped after realizing who it came from. i decided long n hard whether to respond or not, so i decided that it was best not to.

so then yesterday... around noonish... my office phone rang and i picked it up.. n then.. i hear that familiar voice on the other end... "hello?"

Great... it was him. sigh...

we didnt say much to each other.. he asked me how i was doing and he told me that he didn't know why he was calling me... and in my mind- i was like.. i dont know why ur calling me either..

it just makes me really sad bc deep down.. i wish we can be cool.. bc.. he was my best friend for 10 years.. but.. i also loved him all those yrs too.. so... it's not easy to just be "cool" with him after he pretty much told me that he wanted to give his heart to someone else.

sigh... this sux...

i was doing really good too and now... ouch-- my heart.

Lord-- i just need to rely on UR strength and I need to keep focus on You and ONLY You! Let me not be distracted by the things around me. I just ask for You to con't to guard my fragile heart and just... be in control of everything. Please be with both of us. I know it wasn't easy for him to call me... I dont know what he's going through Lord... but You do.. so I just pray that You just con't to comfort him and surround him with good friends/family during this tough time. I know deep down-- You have this huge plan for both of us-- so teach us... con't to smooth out the rough edges so that in the end-- we're all that You created us to be. Amen.

Oh-- i wanted to journal this too-- cause I dont want to forget this later on...

Yesterday was daddy's bday and Praise God for giving us that time to just hang out as a family. I've been praying for my parent's salvation like forever.. n us just hanging out on sunday n again yesterday... that was an awesome first step. I wouldn't chg those moments in the world.

I gave my dad a picture frame that had "Hero" written on top of the frame and in it was a pix of my sis, me n daddy when we were little girls.. n my dad really loved it a lot. My dad is a man of few words, but last night-- i knew in my hearts of heart that he really enjoyed his birthday. Praise God!

Oh-- the cute part is that i overheard him talking to my mom... he was like.. wow.. i never imagined that we would have two beautiful girls.... awww.. my daddy! <3

Random week

haha.. since last Friday.. I have to say this was the most random week ever. I hung out with ppl  that I don't usually hang out with and gone to a lot of random places this wk. (Ooh La La) haha.. but overall... it has been fun.... really fun. I pray for more random wks this yr. 

Today is V-Day! I got my dress. I got my friends. Have to finish my Vday gift and it's awesome cause for the first time- Im actually excited! Here's to another random day! YAY!

Hope and Faith

It's been more than a week since Pastor Rick and Emily's wedding and the wedding was definitely a story where it ends.. happily ever after...

The wedding was... beautiful... and looking at them.. it shows proof that... it's important to wait for God's best. All I can say is that the wedding was... absolutely beautiful... n my friends n i had a blast! It was like a reunion and I dunno how to describe the evening but.. it was an unforgettable.

Other than the wedding.. Ive been pretty busy... but... a good kind of busy. Ive been hanging out with my friends and reuniting some old ones... yeah.. it's been fun.

Spiritually-- I feel like I've grown closer to God... been reading and praying a lot. I've been listening to a lot of sermons too. I feel like that's my only comfort since the breakup.

To be honest... it's been a real struggle for me and I'm trying really hard to be positive and strong abt everything. There were a few times where I just had to cry out to God and ask for His strength and peace during this whole situation.

There are times where I wonder.. if he still thinks abt me... I mean... we use to talk to each other every single day.. n now... he's gone...

The only way to describe this breakup is like having someone close to me die.

(sigh)

Looking back at the relationship... i still dont understand how it ended up being like this.. there were times where we were so in love and happy and now.. we don't even talk. I dont even know who he is anymore. It just really breaks my heart.. but... like the story in the Bible.. I can't look back or I'll turn into a pile of salt. I just have to move forward towards the cross and try really hard not to look back anymore.